Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
