i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
