If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
