When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize