It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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