i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
