Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
