hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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