Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
