Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
