I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
