dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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