my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I think my fart just growled at me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
How's work?
Spinning.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
