life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i jhust puked up my retainher.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
