Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
