what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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