I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
