This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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