I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
