Don't make out with my wife yet
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
