I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
