if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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