Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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