I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
