She tied me up with her honor cords...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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