And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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