I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
