Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
