If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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