It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
