got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We need to get me chipped asap
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
