covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
