i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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