Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
worst night to have a conscience
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
