A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize