I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
