Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
