You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
did i walk over a car last night?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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