Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He told me they were just razor bumps!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
