Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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