singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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