I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
