I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
