So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
