saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
