I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
