I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize