She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
