i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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