totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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