He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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