I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize