U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
