I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
being pregnant is like rehab
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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