I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
