u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
