I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
