my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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