I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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