She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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