He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Randomize
