nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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