Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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