its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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