After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
