I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
