you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
