I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize